alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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