Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
