Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
