About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
