even my farts smell like vagina
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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