On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
