I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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