why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
