dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
