I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I pour the whiskey from now on
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
