I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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