that's an acceptable place to lick
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
