Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
