At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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