were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
