And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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