I'm passing your future prison.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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