Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
