Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
