I cannot find my penis.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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