I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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