Where did you get a picture of my penis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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