i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize