the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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