I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
