I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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