I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
