i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
