Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
