I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
