There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
