Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
