Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
