I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
