I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
