apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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