I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
