last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
