I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
