is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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