I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
