I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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