Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The ass gains better be worth it
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