Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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