You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
