man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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