1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
