she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
