Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
