i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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