Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
